How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize