Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
