I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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