I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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