saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
