I cannot find my penis.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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