Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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