I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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