I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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