Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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