mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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