im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
