I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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