she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
