trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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