when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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