found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
