Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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