i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
