My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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