my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
