his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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