a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
