I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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