No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
