Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
