i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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