I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
