Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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