That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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