I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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