i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
