Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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