I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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