You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
