I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
