you didnt know i had herpes?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
