I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
