im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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