last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you had me at cake vodka
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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