I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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