he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Success! We fucked roommates!
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