i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He has the fingertips of a God
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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