Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
