god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
