my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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