Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
