I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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