who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
