I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
