Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
