my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
