I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
