i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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