She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
