I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
