How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize