never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
