Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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