if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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