my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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